Incendiary topic

[drscott]

From email:

You're getting at one of my pet peeves -- no one is obligated to be attracted to anyone, to have sex, or even to explain why they don't feel like it. Anyone who insinuates otherwise is off my list of people I'm civil to. I got just about enough of this crap when I was young to last a lifetime. The apparently still widespread "he didn't want to have sex with me so he must have 1) internalized homophobia 2) HIV phobia 3) a perfect-body fixation 4) cockteasing tendencies" is a sign of immaturity no matter how old the person expressing it is.

Comments

[orange-groves.livejournal.com]

Ack!

But often a prevalent attitude, I'm afraid. Sortof like the straight guy who feels that he is God's gift to women, and can't or won't take "no" for an answer to an advance.

[barak.livejournal.com]

I kind of tend to agree with the author, although every situation is different. Sometimes it just comes down to a bad personality.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Yup, I agree with bowlerbearsf in that this attitude is still prevalent.

To turn the tables a bit, what about the guy who is honest (ala lowfatmuffin) who tells of his status and then the guy bolts because of it, or acts inmature when told, or in Robert's case, his partner not being honest with Robert in his feelings for him and why.

[excessor.livejournal.com]

I agree with the author. If I don't feel like it, then I don't feel like it and I don't owe any explanation. Oh—and I can change my mind whenever I want.

But then again, I'm more than my sexuality.

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

> and I can change my mind whenever I want.

Oh, that explains the other night. [snicker]

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

Bob does the right thing. How other people react is their problem, and if they want to panic, better Bob know right then that that's their levelof competence with the topic.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I was driving at. Bob is doing the right thing and kudos to him for it.

either way, there is inmaturity wherever you find it, unfortunately.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Though I agree in theory and intellectually with the author, I must admit that is not my course of action sometimes. Obviously, there is NO pressure for anyone to have sex with another. To say there is would be ludicrous. However, I often feel pressure to -- and indeed, do -- provide some sort of explanation when I turn someone down. I think that's a product of my culture more than anything else (politeness over all else, self-fellings be damned), and I certainly wouldn't recommend it as a course of action.

A simple no is, by far, the best way to go -- and only provide the explanation if you wish.

Exactly

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I was raised to be a gentleman and so in some ways, some kind of polite way out is the best, even if a simple no.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be) just saying no isn't enough for some.

[excessor.livejournal.com]

I don't think I changed my mind. I think I got my hand slapped. LOL

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

Umm, I don't think you were reading it right, Robert [he said formally.] I'm the author -- I just grabbed this piece of grumbling out context. I was complaining about people who've wanted to have sex with me and then projected a laundry list of reasons (most derogatory) onto me when I said no. The nastiest implied I had some sort of mental problem - having grabbed me in the crotch and discovered me to be hard, for example, my refusal to go home with them to be fucked silly (or whatever) must be a sign of a disordered mind. It couldn't be because they were drunk, or not my type, or just didn't interest me... nope, had to be something wrong with me.

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

The pressure to explain as a courtesy is there, and if someone has behaved well I do the same. What I react against is a DEMAND for an explanation, or a refusal to believe the explanation tendered.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

*nods* The harder someone pushes, the harder you resist?

Oh, yeah. I'm right there with ya in many, many ways.

[fuzzygruf.livejournal.com]

Curtis, thanks for explaining this more. I read the original post several times earlier today, and I didn't follow the context. Sometimes I'm just not good at reading between lines.

Now that it's more clear to me, it rings a bell with a certain "friend" of mine. He does this type of thing all the time. I call him on it, asking what he would do if he were the one who was not interested. He never has an answer, and he never sees the point. (I don't enjoy his negativity, and I now avoid him when possible.)

Hard to fathom that there are people who actually think like that.