Looking for a mate in mid-life...

[drscott]

So you're older now, and you think wiser. But still embedded in your thought processes are all of those myths about romance and the ideal partner just waiting for you out there like some used, rusty needle in a mildewed haystack.

Viewed dispassionately, what are the odds that all of these things will happen: a) you find a person that elicits a really strong emotional response, and b) they feel the same about you, and c) they are capable of being an ideal partner to you (single, interesting for years, matching in values, makes you laugh...), and vice-versa? Pretty small, in middle age, when most of the interesting candidates are already taken. So maybe you should think about whether each of those conditions is necessary....

The kind of bond that holds most really long-term relations together is not the intense, dramatic love you've been told all your life is a necessary precondition. It's more a feeling that only grows in time, and has to do with mutual reliance, trust, respect, and a more mild affection. It's not clear that there's any correlation between the people you might feel more intense initial love for and the person who would make you happy in the long run. I wised up and went for the person I liked and knew would be trustworthy and entertaining for the long run. Immediate passion and stunning looks had never led me to the right person for the long run; I looked for the best partner, and I've never been happier in my life. I did the right thing, especially since we have the kind of relationship that allows some of that passion and novelty to happen with others. You might want to seriously question your assumption that if you're not feeling something deeply after a few months, it's no good; and you might be careful to find partner-candidates who are patient and have evolved beyond a need to have the intense romance they have been told all their lives they are due. I would pay more attention to the boredom signal: "I am with X and I'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else, who's 'interesting.'" That's deadly in the long run.

So when you're dating someone, ignore your checklist of requirements and pay attention to your feelings. Do you enjoy being with them? Do you expect that that will last a long time? Everything else is noise.

Comments

At least you're honest about why you explored poly...

[allanh.livejournal.com]

That ... is one of the most fascinating theories I've heard about poly in a long time. Seriously.

I wonder how much truth there is to it ... and this is a topic which would be perfect for a master's or doctoral thesis. (Were I so inclined.)

Re: At least you're honest about why you explored poly...

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I think it bears thought. What I triggered on were the "scare" words ... "old guys," "settle," and "real". All of which were undefined and all of which had some obvious emotional loadings the people in question hadn't examined. But it's certainly the case that crisis points in a community can force people to re-examine how they live their lives, and that people can experiment with new forms of social organization as a result.

Whether this should be valued negatively (or positively) is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. But by itself, it's of a piece with "gay men developed sophisticated medical venues for themselves as a response to HIV." Yep, that's partly true. ;-)

I just would hate to be a young man who wanted to try poly if he was friends with young men who held that kind of opinion about how it was only a tragic compromise that half-dead plague survivors were into. ;-)

Re: At least you're honest about why you explored poly...

[fallen-x-ashes.livejournal.com]

It can't be true.

I'm 23 and I'm poly. :-p

And I gaurentee that more then half of those young gay men insisting on monogamy have cheated on their partners more then twice.

I honestly am beginning to think that being poly may be just another inborn psychological orientation, just like being gay or straight is.

Re: At least you're honest about why you explored poly...

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I've thought that occasionally as well. What stops me from believing it are people like my partner's partner, who isn't *sexually* poly herself, but is pretty well emotionally engaged with a lot of different people. That's "polyamory" if you place sufficient emphasis on the "amory" part, but even most poly people tend to focus on sex.

Still, there's a definite continuum between people who strongly prefer monogamy, people who strongly prefer sexual openness, and people who can mix and match.

Meanwhile, guys like you are why I don't buy "polyamory is a function of the HIV crisis" explanations fully, although I think the generation hit hardest by HIV might have found themselves more motivated to explore their potential for polyamory. ;-)

Re: At least you're honest about why you explored poly...

[allanh.livejournal.com]

And (in my case) their potential for dating (or in some cases, TRYING to date) men outside of their age cohort. Randy's 10 years older than I am. :)

Then there was the 22-year-old who INSISTED on pursuing me ... *sigh* ... I just couldn't handle the emotional drama and angst of a twentysomething, no matter how intellectually mature he might be. But there weren't any guys around to date who were my age.